Archive for August, 2012

CFF does Cinema Reviews…

Posted: August 23rd, 2012
at 1:30pm by ORBIT


Categories: CFF

Comments: 1 comment


ASK TILT!!! Volume Four, Issue Thirty-Seven.

picasion.com

Dearest Readers:

TILT is currently on sabbatical in India where his beard has been soaked in fermented yoghurt and stuffed into the anus of a yak for three weeks in a rite designed by Guru to promote greater multiball spiritual¬†awareness. This week TILT’s award-winning column is ghost-written by CFF’s most lovable neckbreaker, the one and only (don’t call it a comeback) DANGER DANGER (ANGER!!!) TILT!!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

I was thinking of adding some Day One mylar to my new X-Man machine. But then I checked my watch, and realized that I’ve actually had the machine for three days (and counting). Is it true that Day One mylar HAS to be installed on the first day?

Follow-up: If I installed it today, can I just rename the mylar to Day Three mylar? And if so, how can I calculate the value of an X-Man with Day Three mylar machine, in case I wanted to sell it in three years?

Thanks in advance,

ROM

Dearest ROM,

Why the fuck are you thanking me in advance? That implies some sort of compliance on my part.

You know what else? I hate watches, I’ve never been able to wear one. Although in 7th grade this girl named Jennifer let me wear her Swatch. I really liked her. Then she started dating this little wrestler dude, he sucked. Brandon was all popular and cool. Fucking dick. Did you wrestle ROM? I doubt it, unless you count wrastlin Calculus in Kindergarten. Fuck you ROM, if thats your real name. We all know how God damned smug you are, in those retro sweaters. Worrying about fucking mylar. Play that shit till the claws fall off. Why would you take the time to extract all them fucking toys, diamond plate man! Ain’t nothing harder than a diamond, unless we are talking about some nerdy chick wearing a sweater holding a cat and a calculator. Then, you would be harder than a diamond.

Your brother in arms,

(DangerDanger)TILT!!!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

I’ve been having some identity issues lately regarding my membership into the fraternity of CFF. Everyone else seems to have a really cool nickname. People just call me by my last name, which is neither a very cool name nor a pinball machine part or feature. So I’m wondering if I am even an actual member of CFF or if I’m just one of those guys that slipped through the system.

(The only other exception to the naming rule I can think of is Tank, but everyone knows that dude is packing.)

Thanks-

Dieter

Dear Special,

I was there the day we handed out cool nicknames. Tank whined about being “Special”, you went into Mr. Pink mode and somehow derailed the whole fucking thing. So neither of you got a name. Your lack of compliance to the written and implied rules has led you to this point…. As far as your “identity” goes, you’re probably the most identifiable human in Portland. It’s painful getting anywhere with you in this shit heap town. Every fucking ass hat from here to St. Johns wants to chat with you. Blah Blah Blah Deiter.

Your comrade in war,

(DangerDanger)TILT!!!!!!!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

Sometimes when I’m shredding NO FEAR, I hear that guy who’s like, “you missed, sucka!” and I see the ball moving super fast and I end up actually feeling a little bit of fear. And I feel like the game senses this (maybe it senses my palms getting sweatier?), and then the guy starts being meaner to me. It really messes up my game! What’s your best strategy for not feeling fear when you’re playing NO FEAR? And don’t just say “beer.”

-Stan Gable

Hello Stan Gable,

Have you ever gone by the name “oneandonesixthtenth” cause that guy was a dick.

As far as those sweaty palms go, put some anti-perspirant on them muggy mitts. That shit’s gross. ROM is the worst at that. He’s like a palm river.

OK strategies for NO FEAR, are you serious? Modes then Multi’s. Wizard mode is fucking easy to get to. So do it. But that’s not your deeper meaning is it? You’re worried about being a failure in your father’s eyes. Don’t be Stan, your dad cares about you regardless of your whimpering inequities.

Next!!

(DangerDanger)TILT!!!!!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

If CFF had its own Ben and Jerry’s flavor, what would be in it?

Thanks- Eric “Future Nuclear Family Man” Hill

Hi Eric,

I had a big tirade going, but thought better of it. I like your simple question. So to honor it’s simplicity I’ll answer simply. Beer butt chicken with Jameson and gravy swirls. It will come on real strong, then sales will just peter out.

Simpleton,

(DangerDanger)TILT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

I must seek your advice. Last night I awoke before dawn. I ended up in the desert. I entered the gold mine, only to find a weird scene. One one side of this vast spectrum was competition. DeathSave was there. T Mac and Robert Gagno. This vision was overwhelming so I took a face from the ancient gallery to the lake. The Ancient Lake. On the other side was Donny C. And DeathSave. We took mind altering substances. DeathSave informed me, that he hates his father. “Why don’t you kill your father Deathsave?” Should I play in Tuesday nights tournament? Or should I break a billion on Adams Family.

thanks.

Grand Alumni Yarbles (Danny Backglass)

Dearest Yarbles,

It’s true, the woven snake casts a long shadow across the fire lit wall. Many days have stood on end since the mind pondered such vacuous depth. The hidden path runs parallel to your oversight. The great wall holds many masks, choosing one is not the answer. For the ancient lake reflects only the true self. Grasp the tail, and slither out of your old skin. Your carapace has shrunk under the weight of many moons. Stale flesh rasps itself anew. Go forward under the black light of the moon. Cast your ethereal shadow on the floor, for this is your reflecting skin.

You’re welcome,

(DangerDanger)TILT!!

 

Dear ASK (DANGER DANGER!!!) TILT!!! –

Can you explain the difference between CFF and CFSOFT? I’m writing a paper for school and need independent sources. Please use AP style.

Thanks- ORBIT

Dearest Orbit,

We’ve met, am I really someone you’d like doing your homework? Just answer in emoticons. Blinky winky eyes and cute lil cats will be sure to get you an A. Then slap your teacher on the ass, crack that handsome awkward smile and take her/him on an awesome date. Drink just enough to where you’re funny but not sloppy. Then take her/him to a secluded place and have consensual, safe sex. Then repeat mid-term and finals. Bam! You just got laid with A’s… Thank me later.

Probably the smartest dude you know,

(DangerDanger)TILT!!!!

Posted: August 7th, 2012
at 9:41pm by ORBIT


Categories: CFF

Comments: 1 comment